Thursday, August 9, 2018
Monday, July 9, 2018
I want you to meet Mr. Rubber Ducky, and Mrs. Fabulous Flamingo.
Play is the air that keeps their love inflated.
Without it, both partners would deflate emotionally and feel stuck in a flat relationship.
Dr. Gottman’s research highlights that 70% of a relationship’s satisfaction is determined by the couple’s friendship. This research has been done for thousands of couples, and is true for both men and women.
The couples who found ways to play together at every stage of their relationship stayed together. The couples who didn’t eventually separated or endured an unhappy relationship.
Play makes emotional connection easy and enjoyable. It invites both partners to open up emotionally. Play is a form of intimacy, because it requires an intimate knowledge of your partner’s inner world. A playful friendship with one another creates a strong relationship.
Maybe you grew up struggling with the concept of play. I know I did. I always felt that it came secondary to winning prizes or achievements.
Your play style is a reflection of the emotional security we were offered as kids. This is also true for adults. Couples who create an emotionally secure relationship are often more playful than insecure couples.
Couples who lack trust or commitment tend to be kidnapped by their insecurities, thus blocking the part of the brain that activates play.
Learning to play well with each other is also what helps us fight well. Stan Tatkin, PsyD states that “secure couples know that a good fight stays within the play zone.” In other words, the conflict isn’t allowed to get nasty. Since both partners are committed to each other for the long haul, they are able to keep their walls down.
Part of cultivating an Intentionally Intimate Relationship is creating a culture of play.
Here are 3 Ways to Increase Play in Your Relationship:
#1 Try New and Unfamiliar Activities: Psychologist Arthur Aron recruited 53 middle aged couples to study novelty and boredom in long-term relationships. The couples were asked to either engage in activities that were familiar and enjoyable, to do nothing, or to find something new to do together.
After ten weeks, who do you think had a better relationship?
The couples who did new and unfamiliar activities had a much higher satisfaction in their relationship than the couples who spent their time doing familiar things.
Here are some ideas for you:
- Take a walk in a different part of town or venture to a new park together
- Visit a new restaurant in town
- Try a new activity such as indoor rock climbing, roller skating, bowling, or mini golf
- Take a day trip: Get in the car and drive. Stop whenever you feel like getting out and exploring
#2 Re-invent Date Night: My partner and I recently tried a date night box called “Night in Boxes.” The theme was called “blind date.” We were asked to create an obstacle course, and then lead our blindfolded partner through the course using only verbal instructions.
It was a great way to connect and be playful with one another without leaving the comfort of our home. I highly recommend it!
Here are some other ideas:
- Get dressed up and take a class together, such as salsa dancing, or a paint and wine workshop
- Bike to a coffee shop to sip warm drinks and chat
- Take a tour in your town you’ve never been on
#3 Participate in the 7-Day Emotional Connection Challenge: In two weeks I’m taking a select group of couples on an exciting seven-day virtual adventure - but in the comfort of their own home. Get ready to reconnect with your partner in a very playful way! Check your email next week for more details.
Play is essential to making love last. It’s created by both partners and requires intentionality as an adult. Like scheduling sex and date night, we need to schedule time for play, exploration, and adventures. These activities revitalize our love life and deepen our emotional connection.
Without play, partners tend to drift apart from each other, making it impossible to sustain emotional intimacy.
To prevent this, Mr. Rubber Ducky and Mrs. Fabulous Flamingo tether to each other with a long rope. That way if they drift too far apart, they can intentionally pull each other closer and reconnect through playful activities and adventures. Shouldn’t you do the same?
Kyle “Mr. Rubber Ducky’s owner” Bensonhttps://kylebenson.net/
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
If you've ever taken a PREPARE/Enrich assessment, here is some
information why it is significant..... Rob and Cathie
What are the Couple and Family Maps?
The couple and family maps are derived from Dr. David Olson's research on the Circumplex Model. The maps chart how each partner perceives closeness and flexibility in their couple relationship and their family of origin.
The map is a 5x5 grid, consisting of balanced (white), mid-range (light blue), and unbalanced (dark blue) squares. When a couple answers the questions about the flexibility and closeness in their relationship and family of origin, they are plotted on the grid. It is normal for individuals, couples, and families to move throughout the map over time as they go through life stages and/or face life stressors.
Why are the maps important?
These maps give you, the Facilitator, a look into how a couple viewed their family growing up and compares it to how they view their couple relationship now. This is important as individuals often tend to recreate or reject the type of family system they grew up in. You might have couples talk about what they want to repeat in their relationship and what they'd like to do differently. In doing so, they may become more aware of how their upbringing affects the patterns of their own relationship.
Balance is key to a healthy relationship.
Couples and families that fall within the balanced range (the nine white squares in the middle) are considered the most functional and healthy. As stated before, couples will move throughout the map over time, so by receiving insight on where they fall on the map and why, they may be able to anticipate how their relationship might change during different life stages and events and prepare for them accordingly. Examples might include increasing communication after the birth of a child, or being intentional about spending quality time together when kids are older and the family is pulled in many different directions. If the couple finds themselves in an unbalanced range, it's helpful to acknowledge that it is normal and often temporary. You can use exercises from the Workbook for Couples to help the couple take steps toward more balance.
How the maps apply to parenting styles
If a couple you are working with is interested in understanding their parenting styles, have them take the PREPARE/ENRICH Parenting assessment. This assessment goes in depth on the parenting styles of each individual in the relationship. Their parenting style will get plotted on the Circumplex Model, similar to the Couple and Family Maps, and show how flexible and cohesive their parenting styles are.
There are five different parenting styles included on the map:
Tuesday, June 12, 2018